Harry Potter and the Professor from Hell
by Zsugami Alba
Summary: Professor Umbrage has mysteriously disappeared and has been replaced by a teacher that seems too good to be true, or at least, too good to be human. Also, who is Filtch's new, foul-mouthed assistant?
1. His Butler, Starting

**ZA: So a very good friend of mine started writing fanfiction, but then she realized that she had no way of posting it. I, being a good friend, decided to help her out and started co-authoring the story.**

 **E: We do not own Harry Potter or Black Butler.**

Chapter 1: His Butler, Starting

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were sitting in the Gryffindor common room when Colin Creevey ran up to them.

"Hiya, Harry," he squeaked. "Guess what- we have a new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher!"

"What?!" all three said at the same time. "But wait," Harry added. "I thought Umbridge was our teacher."

"Maybe something awful happened to her," said Ron gleefully. "Maybe she got cursed or something."

"I don't know," Colin admitted. "No one knows what happened to her except the teachers, and they're not talking. But I know you have Defense today, so I thought you should know. See ya, Harry!" He bolted off again.

"First of all," Harry began, "how did he know we had Defense today? It's not like our schedules are what everyone talks about. And second of all, _no Umbridge?_ What does that even mean?"

"Colin's part of your fan club, Harry, of course he knows your schedule like the back of his hand," said Hermione, rolling her eyes. "But I don't believe for a minute that Umbridge is gone. Who else would we have for a teacher? The Ministry would have made a big deal out of finding a replacement teacher. Dumbledore couldn't find one last time."

"Well, we won't find out until after lunch," pointed out Ron. "Unless Fred and George will tell us. They've got Defense first thing."

"Now look who knows whose schedule," Hermione teased. Ron's ears turned red.

"Let's go get breakfast," ventured Harry, eager to change the subject before they started bickering again. Ron and Hermione both immediately agreed, and they went to the Great Hall for breakfast.

They had sat down at the Gryffindor table and barely started eating when the twins and Lee Jordan plunked down across from the three.

"Have you heard?" Lee asked

"Those rumors aren't even true!" huffed Hermione. "It's ridiculous!"

¨Of course they're true," said Fred. "Otherwise Umbridge's seat wouldn't be empty.¨ He gestured to the front of the Hall where the teachers sat. Sure enough, the old toad was not in her usual seat, glowering at every student that wasn't in Slytherin.

The table was silent for a moment as everyone contemplated the rumors and ate their breakfast. When the bell rang for classes, they said their goodbyes and headed off to their separate classes. Harry noticed throughout his classes that Ron was constantly keeping his fingers crossed.

* * *

When it came to be time for lunch, Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way to the Great Hall. However, their path was soon blocked by Peeves, who was zooming around their heads, cackling. Strangely enough, it seemed like he was not interested in the students below him.

"Wheeeee!" he yelled as he circled around the hall. "Can't catch me, little squirt!" He lobbed a water balloon down the hall. The trio heard a splash and a yell. Peeves darted off again.

Moments afterwards, a little child that looked barely old enough to be a first-year came running, soaking wet and brandishing a mop.

"How DARE you! Come back here at once, you, you little *bleeeeeep*!" yelled the blue haired kid as he disappeared out of view at the end of the hall.

"Did that first-year just curse at Peeves?" asked Hermione. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Never mind that, did you guys see what he was wearing?" Harry asked excitedly. "The kid was wearing an eyepatch! Is he dressing up as a pirate or something?"

"What is an eyepatch? Is that another Muggle thing?" demanded Ron.

"Oh, Ron," sighed Hermione. "We'll tell you later. Let's just get to lunch."

* * *

They entered the Great Hall and sat at their usual spot at the Gryffindor table. Moments later, the twins and Lee Jordan sat down across from them. LEe and George were happy, while Fred looked fairly grumpy.

"So," said Harry. "Is it true?"

"It's true all right," grumped Fred.

"Are you talking about the new Defense teacher?"Angelina Johnson stood behind them, the biggest grin on her face.

"He is the best Defense teacher ever to exist!" she sighed happily.

"Angelina…." Ron said slowly. "Are you okay?"

"You'll see. He's is AMAZING!" She squealed and ran off to find her friends.

Fred cast a disgruntled look after her. "All the girls love him," he grumbled. "It must be the things he says, he's just so weird…"

George laughed. "What my twin's trying to say without sounding JEALOUS is that the old guy is a tad bit perverted. I think it's hilarious, but ickle Grumpykins here is mad because his girlfriend is in luuuuuuurve with the new professor."

"She's NOT my girlfriend!"

Harry and Ron both burst out in laughter while Hermione looked on, horrified.

"How could a professor at this school be perverted?" she gasped. "Dumbledore had to have interviewed him about this kind of stuff! That is unprofessional!"

"Well, he sounds like a laugh," admitted Ron after he caught his breath. "Can't wait to have him."

A clock chimed somewhere in the castle.

"Speak of the devil," said Harry happily. "Time for Defense."

"Hmph," muttered Hermione. "Defense with a perverted old man." She remained sulky the entire walk to the Defense classroom.

When they entered the old dungeon, the teacher was not even inside. The whole classroom was buzzing about the new teacher. Everyone had seemed to hear about him and was excited for class to begin.

All of a sudden the lanterns went out and shades were drawn on the windows. The whole classroom was engulfed in darkness. Then, just as suddenly as the darkness had come, it disappeared. Where Umbridge usually sat now stood a tall man with long dark hair and red eyes.

"Good morning, class," he said, smiling. "My name is Professor Michaelis. I will be teaching your class today."


	2. His Butler, Foiling

**Emily: Hello people who have nothing better to do than read people's fanfictions! Thank you for your comments! If you have an idea about how the story should go, don't be afraid to post suggestions! Sorry about the delay though, will try to update to my publisher every Friday starting this week. So it probably will be updated by Monday or Tuesday. Enjoy!**

 **ZA: But I'm really lazy, so it might be a little longer.**

 **P.S. Thank you** **KHR-Yunalesca for your suggestion, and HP Girl 28, your question will be answered in the next couple of chapters.**

* * *

Chapter 2: His Butler, Foiling

Hermione looked stunned.

"How…" she whispered. "How can he be a perverted old man? He doesn't look old at all!"

"He's only said a few words, Hermione," Ron whispered back. "Wait until class is over to judge him, will you?"

Before Hermione could snap anything back, a short-haired redhead whom Harry had never seen before shyly raised her hand.

"Yes? What is your question?"

"Sir," she said breathlessly, her eyes wide. "I, er, was wondering, how did you make the lights go out like that? I mean, er, you aren't even holding a wand, are you?"

Professor Michalis looked down at his empty hand. _Oops,_ he thought.

"Actually, I was not wandless. I simply used my… _other_ wand _."_

At this, every single girl in the room turned red (including Hermione) and most of them giggled. Some even fainted. The girl that had asked the question tried to cover her face with her hands, but her friend sitting next to her ended up getting an explosive nosebleed. On the other hand, the guys were on a different scale of were laughing jovially (like Harry), some glared at him (like Ron), and some (like Neville) looked uncomfortable and just stared at the floor.

"Class, class," called Professor Michaelis. "It was one simple comment. You need not over excite yourselves over one thing." The class immediately quieted. Michaelis strolled to the front of Umbridge's old desk and looked at them all.

"I am here in place of Professor Umbridge, who is currently... _indisposed_." At this Harry and Ron grinned at each other. "This does not mean, that your education will be impaired. However, I have decided to alter your curriculum slightly. I will focus on more _physical_ activities for this class." Again, the class broke out in murmurs and giggles.

"Although this year has been excellent on dealing with Dark creatures, there are only a few more you will need to cover. For example, do any of you know what a devil is in Wizarding terms? Or a grim reaper?" The professor didn't even wait for an answer. Very dramatically, he swooped onto the desk, causing everyone to gasp in awe. "I, however will teach you these things if it is the last thing I do! Otherwise, what kind of professor would I be?" Applause came from all of the girls except for Hermione, who looked torn.

"This class is going to be interesting," muttered Harry to Ron. Ron merely scowled.

* * *

"I don't know what to do!" cried out Hermione. They were all sitting in the Gryffindor common room, talking about the Defense class, or more accurately, the teacher.

"What do you mean?" asked Harry. Ron was pretending to ignore the entire conversation; it was clear he had hated Professor Michaelis from the get-go.

"I mean about that, that _teacher!_ I am torn between doing an Angelina and fangirling or marching straight up to Professor Dumbledore's office and demanding that he be removed from his teaching position!"

"Maybe I can help you with that," interrupted a new voice. Fred Weasley had joined the conversation. "Come with me, Hermione," he continued, looking mutinous, "we'll get this git sacked all right." They exited the common room together. Ron looked furious.

"Stupid Fred," he muttered, but didn't say any more.

* * *

The next time they had Defense proved to be interesting. Hermione had a look of worry mixed with suppressed glee plastered on her face the entire week. She and Fred kept looking at each other nervously during mealtimes, but never said a word to each other.

When the fifth years had settled into their respective desks (Hermione looked excited), Professor Michaelis strolled in, with his robes bulging, as if something had been stuffed down them. He stopped just behind the door.

"Class-," he began, but that's when Fred, who _totally_ just happened to pass by, opened the door rather forcefully, striking Michaelis in the back.

Or so it should have done.

Instead, Michaelis leaped away from the door, did a somersault in midair (drawing oohs from the girls) and landed, as always, perfectly on the desk. But the door did manage to catch whatever was hidden in Professor Michalis' robes, and a loud sizzling could be heard.

Michalis quickly cast off his cloak just as a batch of Dr. Filibuster's Fireworks set off, creating a dazzling background of sparkle behind the professor. Almost the entire class cheered, with the exception of Hermione (who looked disappointed) and Fred (who looked sour and stomped off to Transfiguration).

"Class," called Professor Michaelis when the room had finally quieted. "I will not be tolerating any more of these magical pranks. From now on, any and every practical joke will result in a complete and utter backfire." He looked straight at Hermione, who looked furious.

"How did he _know_?" she whispered.


	3. His Butler, Infuriating

**Emily: Helloooooooooo random people whose real names I do not know! I'd like to point out that Ron is kind of becoming the outsider surrounded by geeks and fangirls, just like in the real world. Just something to consider.**

 **ZA: Again, I am lazy, but at least Emily isn't.**

* * *

Chapter 3: His Butler, Infuriating

"Did you seriously pull that prank on Michaelis?" asked Harry incredulously as they all walked out of the classroom. "You of all people?!"

"Well, _no_ , of course not, not by myself," replied Hermione indignantly. "I simply helped Fred with one thing, but the more important thing is, _how did he know I took part in that?_ The only thing I did was put the fireworks in his robes. Fred bought the fireworks, made the whole plan, and set them off!"

Harry sighed. "The one cause you break the rules for is the one thing nobody wants to change. At least tell us you aren't going to try again."  
"I don't have to tell you anything."

"Guys, guys," Ron said. "Let's all take a breather."

"Since when is it Hermione and me fighting and _you_ breaking it up?" wondered Harry.

"Well, I'm not taking anything," huffed Hermione. "I am going to talk to Professor Dumbledore about this, I want to know _exactly_ how Michaelis bewitched Dumbledore into hiring him!" She then stomped off in the direction of Dumbledore's office.

"Like she's going to get anything from that," snorted Ron. "C'mon, Harry, let's wait for her in the common room."

* * *

"He didn't tell me _anything_!" cried Hermione angrily, plopping down in an armchair. She glared at them all as if challenging them to say something.

"Wow, how unexpected," muttered Ron sarcastically. This resulted in Hermione throwing an old copy of _Travelling with Trolls_ at his head.

While Ron sat rubbing his head, Harry said, "Hermione, why is it so important to find out how Michaelis got hired?"

"Because Dumbledore would never in his right mind accept a teacher so… so _inappropriate!_ " replied Hermione fiercely.

Thinking that this could quickly turn into another S.P.E.W. incident, Harry said, "So… you're saying that Professor Michaelis somehow put a spell on Dumbledore? You know, _Headmaster_ Dumbledore? The greatest wizard of all time?" At this Hermione flushed.

"Fine, if Dumbledore won't tell me, then the library will." She said, ignoring Harry's question. At this both Harry and Ron groaned. Hermione simply chucked _Voyages with Vampires_ at Ron. "And for that, you two are coming with me."

"Why did I get hit with the books and not you?" muttered Ron to Harry as they both followed Hermione out of the Fat Lady's portrait. Harry shrugged and said nothing the entire way to the library.

When they had reached the library, they bumped into a short stack of random equipment that had been enchanted to walk around the castle, like the suits of armor.

"Hey! Watch where you are going, you *bleeeep* *bleep*-ing *bleep*-ity *bleep*-s!" the stack yelled.

"Whoa! It's that first year," exclaimed Harry. Upon further inspection, the first year was wearing a Muggle construction hat, an old gas mask, a raincoat, and holding a mop. Suddenly, Harry got an idea. "Here," said Harry, "Let me take some of those things for you. He pulled off the construction hat and the raincoat and took the mop from him. When he got really close to the first- year, he whispered, "I'll give you ten Galleons if you ask Hermione if she is your mummy."

"I don't take pocket money from commoners like you, you *bleep* *bleeep*-ing Plebian," said the first year haughtily, just as Hermione finally took her eyes off the rows of shelved books and gasped at the first year.

"It's a _gas mask zombie_!" she cried, running deeper into the library. Harry started laughing and handed the first year's things back to him.

"Still did a good job, though, mate," he said, still laughing. "Thanks for the laugh." He and Ron strode off after Hermione, leaving Ciel Phantomhive alone in the most ridiculous clothing ever.

* * *

"How _dare_ they, using a *bleep*-ing earl to do their *bleeeeep*-ing dirty work and as their *bleep*-ing entertainment," he muttered darkly under his breath. Then he pulled off his gas mask and stalked out of the library, still muttering angrily. He stashed the mop, raincoat, construction hat, and gas mask in a closet right outside the library, then walked to Professor Michaelis's office. After entering and closing the door, he sat in a chair and sighed, clearly still angry and more than a little frazzled.

"Is something the matter, young master," asked Sebastian. "Perhaps some Earl Grey shall cheer you up." He quickly busied himself with making tea, smiling to himself at the earl's discomfort.

"I'd feel *bleep*-ing better if we found the *bleep* -ing Undertaker you *bleeeeep*-ing *bleep*!"

"Young master, you must not use such vulgar language. It is not fitting for an earl to be so crass." Sebastian said, the lightest hint of disdain in his voice.

"I don't *bleep*-ing care! It's his *bleep*-ing fault we are here in this *bleep*-ing place!"

"Young master, please keep in mind that were are here to ascertain whether the Undertaker is indeed here, and for no other reason. Therefore, you shouldn't assimilate so deeply into the culture of these commoners." Sebastian placed a cup of steaming, but not boiling, tea on the table in front of the earl.

Ciel sighed and thought back to when they had convinced the dotty old headmaster to let Sebastian work there.

* * *

"So, why have you applied for the position at Hogwarts? What happened to Umbridge was terrible, and yet you alone are eager to fill her place," asked Headmaster Dumbledore.

"Simply put, I would like to ensure that the students receive a proper education that is not hindered by circumstance," replied Sebastian smoothly. "I also have some rather interesting talents that you could use at your leisure."

"And what would those… _talents_ be?" Dumbledore asked cautiously.

"Well, Headmaster, let me tell you this: I can tell that you have had a partial soul in your office. A very long time ago, I assume, but nonetheless you had it in here."

"Pause for a minute there," said Dumbledore slowly. "You can sense Horcruxes?"

"Indeed I can."

"Welcome to the school, Professor…"

"Michaelis, sir."

"Yes. Welcome, Professor Michaelis, you have been officially hired."


	4. His Butler, Taking Care of

**Emily: Is it bad that I've already forgotten which chapter we are on? I had to go back and remind myself. Sorry this one's shorter than the others, guys. For the record, ZA and myself do not own Harry Potter or Black Butler.**

* * *

Chapter 4: His Butler, "Taking Care of"  


"Does anybody know what actually _happened_ to Umbridge?" Hermione asked Ron and Harry while looking through an old Potions book. "I mean, we all know that she's gone, but is she in St. Mungo's, or-"

"Dead, Granger?" A horribly familiar voice drawled behind them. Harry looked up to see Draco Malfoy standing behind Hermione, with the biggest smirk on his face. "How could you, teachers' pet, think so horribly of the finest teacher this school has ever known?"

"The finest in doing nothing," Ron muttered underneath his breath, then said louder, "Leave her alone, Malfoy." Malfoy acted as though he had heard nothing.

"Well, Granger? Or should I say, _Mud_ -"

"Don't even think about it," threatened Ron, drawing his wand.

"The last time you tried to curse me, Weasley, you were throwing up slugs for hours. Do I look like I am intimidated by a _Weasley_ of all creatures?" Malfoy sneered. "Maybe I shouldn't waste my time around pathetic people like you." He strolled out of the library, laughing.

"That little ferret," fumed Ron.

* * *

The next morning came, and Ron, Hermione, and Harry were sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast when the usual horde of owls came swooping in. Hedwig didn't have anything, as usual, for Harry, but she nibbled on his toast and gave him an affectionate nibble on his ear before taking off.

Hermione's _Daily Prophet_ came in as well. She unfolded the newspaper and gasped.

"Oh my God, Ron, Harry- _look!_ "

She thrust the front page in their faces. The title blazed **MINISTRY WORKER MURDERED BY DAILY PROPHET REPORTER**. On it was a rather gruesome picture.

Dolores Umbridge, in all her foulness, had been stabbed in both eyes and in the chest. This was not the work of a charm, but sheer physical force. Under Umbridge's gory corpse, another picture of a hand picking up a acid-green quill, its sharpened end coated in blood almost to the end of the feather. A silver butter knife was also similarly covered in blood.

"They think Rita Skeeter did it," said Hermione. "It's one of her Quick Quill quotes, and it looked like she was doing an interview. She's in Azkaban for now until they figure out if she really did it."

"Wow," breathed Ron. "She must have been really angry to go off on Umbridge like that. Mind you, I don't think it took much effort on Umbridge's part."

"Well, if she didn't do it, who did," asked Harry. "Because it sounds like you don't think she did it, Hermione."

"I don't. I think there's something more, and it has to do with that- that _teacher_!"

"That's a little far-fetched, Hermione," said Harry. "It's just a coincidence."

"I don't believe in coincidences," snapped Hermione as she lept from the table to the library.

* * *

"Settle down," called Professor Michaelis. It was harder than normal to get them to be quiet. Everyone had seen the article about Umbridge's murder and wouldn't stop talking about it. They became so unfocused that a seventh year in McGonagall's Transfiguration class had accidentally switched his head onto the picture of Sir Cadogan, three or four floors away. How he had done that, no one knew. But he still managed to do it.

Another had banished Professor Flitwick all the way out the door and into the hallway, knocking him out cold. Yet another had turned Crabbe into an actual crab, although not a lot of people wanted to anything about that. So Crabbe was scuttling up and down the hallways for quite a long time before Snape put him back.

Professor Michaelis sighed and let them do what they wanted. Besides, he had his own problems to worry about, including how he was going to replace that silver butter knife…


End file.
